The deed has been done.
As much as I thought this would be tragic, life shattering, and ending for me.... I seem to be handling it over all ok. I am not going to lie, there have been tears, there has been anger, there has been some minor tantrums, but over all I seem to be doing well.
I keep telling myself that it is the calm before the storm. Things are going to hit a wall. Maybe I am wrong. I pray I am wrong. This is not over until the fat lady sings... or the doctor says that there are no swimmers left. I have a feeling that the finality of it all will really hit then.
I think the thing that makes this hardest for me is that this is how I have been identified for the last 9 years... pregnant mama, nursing mama, pregnant and nursing mama. I feel like I am losing that identity and don't know what mama I will be next. I guess the next few months will be a discovery for everyone.... me included.
I found this today... it spoke to me.
"Faith makes things possible, not easy." ~ unknown
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In a galaxy far, far away I posted last.
So long ago in fact that I had to search for my own blog. Not good, huh?!?
Also so long ago that we have added a new member to the clown car. Our newest addition is Hanky Panky, his entrance into the circus has bumped Buzzy out of the lone man position. Hanky is a joy to be around and destined to be the final act at this circus. He is also destined at this point to be our biggest clown. At 9 months he has grown right off the top of the growth chart at 25 lbs and 30 inches tall.
I am back to journal my way through the next few weeks. The emotions are running high here and I need to get some of them out in a place that I feel that I can kick, scream, cry, and generally throw a 2 yr old type tantrum otherwise I believe that the depression end of it may get the best of me.
See here is the thing, #1 is going on Friday for the procedure to finalize the size of our circus. I am saddened by the end of what seems to be a good thing, while I know in my heart that it is time to move past the baby circus and on to bigger and different things. The thought of never carrying another baby, feeling the first flutters, then kicks, then holding my newborn, nursing for the first time, and watching them grow... I will never have these again. I rationalize it and like I said I know in my heart it is the right thing... does not make it any less heart breaking.
As the emotions hit I will be back with more. Until then I will knit.
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