Welcome to the wild, discontinuous, and virtually unwatched ramblings of a mother of five.
I think ever so slowly I am handling things better, crying less, talking to #1 more about how I feel and giving things over to God. If it is meant to happen again He will have his hand in it. I feel lighter and happier.... and most of all crafty again. :D
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"Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way I'd eat peaches everyday"
These are some of the clowns favorite words right now. EVERY morning I hear Buzzy jamming out to his own 4 yr old version of this song. He is a funny little fella. He has NO idea what headbanging is or was (do people still do it... I am obviously out of the loop) but he can head bang with the best of them. It is incentive for him to get ready for school faster so that he can listen to Peaches on Youtube.
Someday I can show him the pictures of him 'jamming out' to the oldies.
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Labels: Jammin'
It has just been that day. I found out 2 people that I know (and was pregnant with Hanky with) are pregnant, I knew that people would announce from now until eternity that they are pregnant... right now it is like salt in a fresh wound. I think that maybe social media will be out for awhile, these are where the announcements have been made.
I realize that I have 5 perfectly healthy, happy, thriving, beautiful children that are blessings from God everyday. Why is it so hard for me to move past this phase? Why am I so mad about a decision that was made by both of us?
*sigh*
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And the verdict is back. We are clear and the circus baby making factory is officially closed for business. I am not going to lie, I cried. I hugged Hanky a little tighter as I nursed him. I cried some more. I HURT.
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The deed has been done.
As much as I thought this would be tragic, life shattering, and ending for me.... I seem to be handling it over all ok. I am not going to lie, there have been tears, there has been anger, there has been some minor tantrums, but over all I seem to be doing well.
I keep telling myself that it is the calm before the storm. Things are going to hit a wall. Maybe I am wrong. I pray I am wrong. This is not over until the fat lady sings... or the doctor says that there are no swimmers left. I have a feeling that the finality of it all will really hit then.
I think the thing that makes this hardest for me is that this is how I have been identified for the last 9 years... pregnant mama, nursing mama, pregnant and nursing mama. I feel like I am losing that identity and don't know what mama I will be next. I guess the next few months will be a discovery for everyone.... me included.
I found this today... it spoke to me.
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Labels: stress
In a galaxy far, far away I posted last.
So long ago in fact that I had to search for my own blog. Not good, huh?!?
Also so long ago that we have added a new member to the clown car. Our newest addition is Hanky Panky, his entrance into the circus has bumped Buzzy out of the lone man position. Hanky is a joy to be around and destined to be the final act at this circus. He is also destined at this point to be our biggest clown. At 9 months he has grown right off the top of the growth chart at 25 lbs and 30 inches tall.
I am back to journal my way through the next few weeks. The emotions are running high here and I need to get some of them out in a place that I feel that I can kick, scream, cry, and generally throw a 2 yr old type tantrum otherwise I believe that the depression end of it may get the best of me.
See here is the thing, #1 is going on Friday for the procedure to finalize the size of our circus. I am saddened by the end of what seems to be a good thing, while I know in my heart that it is time to move past the baby circus and on to bigger and different things. The thought of never carrying another baby, feeling the first flutters, then kicks, then holding my newborn, nursing for the first time, and watching them grow... I will never have these again. I rationalize it and like I said I know in my heart it is the right thing... does not make it any less heart breaking.
As the emotions hit I will be back with more. Until then I will knit.
I am here and still going. Things are so busy recently with all the clowns home everyday. We have been on a mission to keep things fun and busy, thus little time for the ringmaster on the computer. I have been sewing in what little free time I have and yet again, little time for the ringmaster to play on the computer.
Here are our updates.
Freckles... graduated from Kindergarten and will be going on to first grade this fall. Her teacher says that she is brilliant. I knew that, but it is always nice to have a teacher reinforce those thoughts. She has slowly been getting used to the water. We have a close family friend with a pool so she has been getting more and more 'carefree' in the pool. Not so scared.
Jane will be a Kindergartner this fall. She has just started to read and should be ahead of the game when she gets to school as well. She loves to be outside and if we could ever get it to stop raining here she would get her wish. Jane will have to be covered in bug spray because otherwise she will be picked up and carried to the giant mosquito layer and eaten. She is like candy to mosquitoes.
Buzzy... oh Buzzy. He is getting funnier by the day. Always so sweet. Under that sweet, funny exterior there is trouble a brewing. You can see the wheels-a-turning. Buzzy is completely day trained now. So potty training was a success. WOO HOO score one for the ringmaster. Now if we could just get him nap and night trained it would be a complete success.
Blinker is getting so big, so fast. She is starting to pull up on everything and is crawling everywhere and getting into everything. She has 4 teeth and a smile that will light up a room. She is so easy going and content to just play by herself.
So there is the update... and I hope to have some more for everyone as the summer goes on, but with vacation, VBS, holidays, and more birthdays this whole summer thing just goes by too fast. Too soon we will be back to school.
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