I am thankful that God has given me the strength to seek forgiveness as well as the power to forgive.
I am learning the hard way that things in life just need to be let go of. There is no changing a situation or the way that others view said situation. I have to take time, reflect on the situation, ask God to forgive me for my part in the situation, and let it go. Easier said then done, I know.
This said, I am taking time today to say that I am letting go of somethings. I have 5 clowns that require more of my attention then the situation and life is too short to hold on to petty things. :D
Moving on now......
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♥ ♥ One year ago today after only a fast and furious 83 minutes of labor God blessed us with our 5th baby bear. I cannot believe how fast this last year has gone. I love you more and more every day Hanky Panky. You will always be my baby. ♥ ♥
This is the status for the day. I am sad and happy at the same time. I am sad because I am no longer the mama of a baby, I am happy because we are moving on to a new phase in our lives. I am working on finishing up his birthday sweater. Maybe my mommy blog will have to become my crafty blog.... with smatterings of mommy life.
So the tears are both of sadness and joy today as I work my way through the crazy emotions surrounding this crazy day.
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I think ever so slowly I am handling things better, crying less, talking to #1 more about how I feel and giving things over to God. If it is meant to happen again He will have his hand in it. I feel lighter and happier.... and most of all crafty again. :D
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"Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way I'd eat peaches everyday"
These are some of the clowns favorite words right now. EVERY morning I hear Buzzy jamming out to his own 4 yr old version of this song. He is a funny little fella. He has NO idea what headbanging is or was (do people still do it... I am obviously out of the loop) but he can head bang with the best of them. It is incentive for him to get ready for school faster so that he can listen to Peaches on Youtube.
Someday I can show him the pictures of him 'jamming out' to the oldies.
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It has just been that day. I found out 2 people that I know (and was pregnant with Hanky with) are pregnant, I knew that people would announce from now until eternity that they are pregnant... right now it is like salt in a fresh wound. I think that maybe social media will be out for awhile, these are where the announcements have been made.
I realize that I have 5 perfectly healthy, happy, thriving, beautiful children that are blessings from God everyday. Why is it so hard for me to move past this phase? Why am I so mad about a decision that was made by both of us?
*sigh*
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And the verdict is back. We are clear and the circus baby making factory is officially closed for business. I am not going to lie, I cried. I hugged Hanky a little tighter as I nursed him. I cried some more. I HURT.
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The deed has been done.
As much as I thought this would be tragic, life shattering, and ending for me.... I seem to be handling it over all ok. I am not going to lie, there have been tears, there has been anger, there has been some minor tantrums, but over all I seem to be doing well.
I keep telling myself that it is the calm before the storm. Things are going to hit a wall. Maybe I am wrong. I pray I am wrong. This is not over until the fat lady sings... or the doctor says that there are no swimmers left. I have a feeling that the finality of it all will really hit then.
I think the thing that makes this hardest for me is that this is how I have been identified for the last 9 years... pregnant mama, nursing mama, pregnant and nursing mama. I feel like I am losing that identity and don't know what mama I will be next. I guess the next few months will be a discovery for everyone.... me included.
I found this today... it spoke to me.
"Faith makes things possible, not easy." ~ unknown
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In a galaxy far, far away I posted last.
So long ago in fact that I had to search for my own blog. Not good, huh?!?
Also so long ago that we have added a new member to the clown car. Our newest addition is Hanky Panky, his entrance into the circus has bumped Buzzy out of the lone man position. Hanky is a joy to be around and destined to be the final act at this circus. He is also destined at this point to be our biggest clown. At 9 months he has grown right off the top of the growth chart at 25 lbs and 30 inches tall.
I am back to journal my way through the next few weeks. The emotions are running high here and I need to get some of them out in a place that I feel that I can kick, scream, cry, and generally throw a 2 yr old type tantrum otherwise I believe that the depression end of it may get the best of me.
See here is the thing, #1 is going on Friday for the procedure to finalize the size of our circus. I am saddened by the end of what seems to be a good thing, while I know in my heart that it is time to move past the baby circus and on to bigger and different things. The thought of never carrying another baby, feeling the first flutters, then kicks, then holding my newborn, nursing for the first time, and watching them grow... I will never have these again. I rationalize it and like I said I know in my heart it is the right thing... does not make it any less heart breaking.
As the emotions hit I will be back with more. Until then I will knit.
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