I am thankful that God has given me the strength to seek forgiveness as well as the power to forgive.
I am learning the hard way that things in life just need to be let go of. There is no changing a situation or the way that others view said situation. I have to take time, reflect on the situation, ask God to forgive me for my part in the situation, and let it go. Easier said then done, I know.
This said, I am taking time today to say that I am letting go of somethings. I have 5 clowns that require more of my attention then the situation and life is too short to hold on to petty things. :D
Moving on now......
Read More......
♥ ♥ One year ago today after only a fast and furious 83 minutes of labor God blessed us with our 5th baby bear. I cannot believe how fast this last year has gone. I love you more and more every day Hanky Panky. You will always be my baby. ♥ ♥
This is the status for the day. I am sad and happy at the same time. I am sad because I am no longer the mama of a baby, I am happy because we are moving on to a new phase in our lives. I am working on finishing up his birthday sweater. Maybe my mommy blog will have to become my crafty blog.... with smatterings of mommy life.
So the tears are both of sadness and joy today as I work my way through the crazy emotions surrounding this crazy day.
Read More......
I think ever so slowly I am handling things better, crying less, talking to #1 more about how I feel and giving things over to God. If it is meant to happen again He will have his hand in it. I feel lighter and happier.... and most of all crafty again. :D
Read More......
"Peaches come from a can they were put there by a man
In a factory downtown
If I had my little way I'd eat peaches everyday"
These are some of the clowns favorite words right now. EVERY morning I hear Buzzy jamming out to his own 4 yr old version of this song. He is a funny little fella. He has NO idea what headbanging is or was (do people still do it... I am obviously out of the loop) but he can head bang with the best of them. It is incentive for him to get ready for school faster so that he can listen to Peaches on Youtube.
Someday I can show him the pictures of him 'jamming out' to the oldies.
Read More......
It has just been that day. I found out 2 people that I know (and was pregnant with Hanky with) are pregnant, I knew that people would announce from now until eternity that they are pregnant... right now it is like salt in a fresh wound. I think that maybe social media will be out for awhile, these are where the announcements have been made.
I realize that I have 5 perfectly healthy, happy, thriving, beautiful children that are blessings from God everyday. Why is it so hard for me to move past this phase? Why am I so mad about a decision that was made by both of us?
*sigh*
Read More......
And the verdict is back. We are clear and the circus baby making factory is officially closed for business. I am not going to lie, I cried. I hugged Hanky a little tighter as I nursed him. I cried some more. I HURT.
Read More......
The deed has been done.
As much as I thought this would be tragic, life shattering, and ending for me.... I seem to be handling it over all ok. I am not going to lie, there have been tears, there has been anger, there has been some minor tantrums, but over all I seem to be doing well.
I keep telling myself that it is the calm before the storm. Things are going to hit a wall. Maybe I am wrong. I pray I am wrong. This is not over until the fat lady sings... or the doctor says that there are no swimmers left. I have a feeling that the finality of it all will really hit then.
I think the thing that makes this hardest for me is that this is how I have been identified for the last 9 years... pregnant mama, nursing mama, pregnant and nursing mama. I feel like I am losing that identity and don't know what mama I will be next. I guess the next few months will be a discovery for everyone.... me included.
I found this today... it spoke to me.
"Faith makes things possible, not easy." ~ unknown
Read More......
In a galaxy far, far away I posted last.
So long ago in fact that I had to search for my own blog. Not good, huh?!?
Also so long ago that we have added a new member to the clown car. Our newest addition is Hanky Panky, his entrance into the circus has bumped Buzzy out of the lone man position. Hanky is a joy to be around and destined to be the final act at this circus. He is also destined at this point to be our biggest clown. At 9 months he has grown right off the top of the growth chart at 25 lbs and 30 inches tall.
I am back to journal my way through the next few weeks. The emotions are running high here and I need to get some of them out in a place that I feel that I can kick, scream, cry, and generally throw a 2 yr old type tantrum otherwise I believe that the depression end of it may get the best of me.
See here is the thing, #1 is going on Friday for the procedure to finalize the size of our circus. I am saddened by the end of what seems to be a good thing, while I know in my heart that it is time to move past the baby circus and on to bigger and different things. The thought of never carrying another baby, feeling the first flutters, then kicks, then holding my newborn, nursing for the first time, and watching them grow... I will never have these again. I rationalize it and like I said I know in my heart it is the right thing... does not make it any less heart breaking.
As the emotions hit I will be back with more. Until then I will knit.
Read More......
I am here and still going. Things are so busy recently with all the clowns home everyday. We have been on a mission to keep things fun and busy, thus little time for the ringmaster on the computer. I have been sewing in what little free time I have and yet again, little time for the ringmaster to play on the computer.
Here are our updates.
Freckles... graduated from Kindergarten and will be going on to first grade this fall. Her teacher says that she is brilliant. I knew that, but it is always nice to have a teacher reinforce those thoughts. She has slowly been getting used to the water. We have a close family friend with a pool so she has been getting more and more 'carefree' in the pool. Not so scared.
Jane will be a Kindergartner this fall. She has just started to read and should be ahead of the game when she gets to school as well. She loves to be outside and if we could ever get it to stop raining here she would get her wish. Jane will have to be covered in bug spray because otherwise she will be picked up and carried to the giant mosquito layer and eaten. She is like candy to mosquitoes.
Buzzy... oh Buzzy. He is getting funnier by the day. Always so sweet. Under that sweet, funny exterior there is trouble a brewing. You can see the wheels-a-turning. Buzzy is completely day trained now. So potty training was a success. WOO HOO score one for the ringmaster. Now if we could just get him nap and night trained it would be a complete success.
Blinker is getting so big, so fast. She is starting to pull up on everything and is crawling everywhere and getting into everything. She has 4 teeth and a smile that will light up a room. She is so easy going and content to just play by herself.
So there is the update... and I hope to have some more for everyone as the summer goes on, but with vacation, VBS, holidays, and more birthdays this whole summer thing just goes by too fast. Too soon we will be back to school.
Read More......
Buzzy has done so well. First day was a little rough in the accident department, but since then it has been smooth sailing. I am so proud of him.
We are still doing diapers at nap and bedtime but he has been completely accident free since yesterday morning... and that was only a partial accident. He stopped himself and we went to the potty to finish.
My little man is getting so big.
Read More......
Today is day one of the new world order at the circus.
Buzzy is starting down the long road that is potty training. Duh duh duh!
This will probably be the all encompassing subject of the blog for the next few posts, or at the very least a good portion of it, until we achieve success. While I maintain a calm, cool, supportive facade with Buzzy, I will be coming here to brag or vent about how the process is going.
Today so far we have had 2 accidents. The first was a win for the ringmaster. He stopped himself when he realized that he was going. I ran him to the bathroom and got him to the potty where he finished in the potty. WOO HOO. Second time... not quite as big a victory for the ringmaster. Let's just say that the rug that normally sits in just inside of our back door is in the washer now. In his defense he was trying to have a BM thus the bigger puddle.
He completely dislikes being wet, so I know that he has had an accident pretty quickly if I don't actually see it happen and we get him to the bathroom. I pray that makes this a little less painful for both of us, but he is very stubborn, thus the late training. Wish us luck.
Read More......
This morning as we were doing our normal rush rush rush to get everyone ready to walk out the door, I was slapped in the face with the reality that occasionally the clowns DO listen to me when I talk.
Here is the story.
I have not been feeling 100% for a few days... just temperature change chest congestion and maybe mild allergies, nothing earth shattering. Well I decided to take a shower this morning and try to loosen it up and see if I could clear it out a bit before starting my day. For what it is worth the shower did not work.
I come back down to the kitchen and Freckles is making her lunch for school and she says to me
"Dad says you were up in the shower laying around while he was bustin' our buns to get ready."
To which I respond,
"I was not laying around in the shower I was actually attempting to cough up a lung and see if I could breathe a little bit better."
Freckles say "Oh..."
In chimes Buzzy "Suck it up buttercup!"
All I could do is look and laugh. It is something that we say to him when he is having a tantrum over nothing. So I guess I know that he really does listen to me when I talk. Why can't he hear when I tell him to clean the toy room??
Read More......
We are still alive and kicking.
Blinker is doing so much better. The tubes are little miracles, she was just a different baby by that afternoon. I wish that there was a miracle for teething. She is working on her top two teeth and has become quite the biter. All I can say is OWIE for mama.
Buzzy had his first wipe out on his tricycle the other day, now he has scraped up knees. I was so proud of him, he got up and dusted off and was back on the tricycle within minutes. There is just no stopping him.
Jane is well, Jane. Still dancing to the song in her head. Never a dull moment. There is always a good story to tell... I just wish that I had more time to devote to writing them down for you all.
Freckles amazes me every day. She is reading more and more. Every time #1 and I turn around she is reading something. I think that over the summer I am going to have to keep her busy with the library and keep it up.
I am feeling better and can say that much. After another appointment, an abdominal ultra sound and an abdominal x-ray I have come to find out that I have irritable bowel syndrome, or so they think. Well due to the fact that I am still pretty exclusively breastfeeding Blinker there is very little that I can do when it comes to medication. I am not going to venture into the realm of untested medications to find out later that I did some harm to her. I am taking a probiotic every day and in the first week has made a tremendous difference. I have gone back to my one true love... the mighty diet coke, but only once a day, first thing in the morning to kick start my engine.
Read More......
I am sure that as the ringmaster here I am more prone to the stress of day to day life. I have been slightly overwhelmed by the stress recently. I am not motivated to do much any more, including my job. I feel overwhelmed by the "to-do" list that is sitting in front of me. I have been sick and so have all the clowns.
I finally broke down and took myself in to the doctor today. As ringmaster I just don't have the time to spare in this crazy circus to do that, but I hit my breaking point last night. I have been feeling gross and nauseous, crampy, yucky and gassy for over a week. (For inquiring minds I have taken the big pee stick test... and it was a resounding negative). I figured that with the "flu" that I had over the weekend that it was over, but then last night full force it was back. I told #1 that it was done... I was calling first thing this morning and getting an appointment to have myself looked at. I am hopefully on the path to repair now with the help of a new supplement, some anti-acid meds, and a determination to stop drinking my one true love.... Diet Coke. Mostly because the bubbles make the gas and cramps worse... so we may only be parted for a few days not forever. We will see, I am afraid that if I go back it will be for good. It is my one vice. I think this has only been fueled by my stress right now over Blinker's surgery.
As far as illness goes it has been a long winter of illness here, we had 3 of the clowns in yesterday alone.
Jane was in for her follow-up with the ENT. It was bittersweet. She has had a persistent hole in her left ear from the set of tubes that she got at 16 months that had not closed after the tube fell out. Well good news was that the hole has closed up. Bad news is that there is fluid behind both of her ears. We were given some allergy nasal spray and a couple of things to do with her to try and help her to 'pop' her ears and try to get the fluid out. We go back in a month for another follow up, if the fluid is not gone we may be looking at another set of tubes for her.
Blinker went in for her consult to get tubes. After 6 weeks on antibiotics. we have decided that it was time for a different answer. She could just not stay off of the medication for more then 2 days without redeveloping another ear infection, thus the tubes. We have to be at the hospital at 6 am in the morning for 7 am surgery. It is gonna be a long day for this ring master.
Buzzy had woken up Monday night with a blood curdling scream. Started crying uncontrollably and could not calm down to tell us what was wrong. We finally calmed him down enough to hear that his ear hurt, off to find the Motrin and back to sleep. So on the way to the early morning appointments for the girls we called the pediatrician so that we could have his ears looked at. Guess what... ear infection.
I am overjoyed by the warm weather that we are experiencing here at the big top, the doors and windows are all open and we are allowing the germs to TAKE A HIKE.
Read More......
Thank goodness for spring. I believe that is enough said. I am so ready for the weather to be nicer and take this show on the road. The clowns are getting restless and it has been a long long long winter. I am so looking forward to the next few days when the weather is supposed to super duper nice and we can get out in the yard.
We saw robins the other day, we have made our first official trip to the park, I believe that things are starting to look up.
On another note we take Blinker in tomorrow morning to the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor. I presume that they are going to say that she needs to have tubes put in her ears, I tend to agree - but that is just the mama in me - since she has been on antibiotics for over a month now and it seems that we cannot keep the ear infections away with out. I will keep everyone posted.
Read More......
Can anyone explain to me why Buzzy seems to think that this is the funniest phrase out there. He runs through the house yelling it and giggling. Just running in circles
"Mr Tootybottom, Mr Tootybottom, Mr Tootybottom." giggling after each time he says it.
It is fairly comical the first few minutes but now after days of repeated Mr Tootybottom running... the ringmaster is kind of getting bored with it. Why is that little clowns get things stuck in their heads and they become an obsession? They just go over board with them. {please see entry entitled KA-CHOW - he has an obsessive way about him}
Is there a switch that I can reset Mr Tootybottom and he can find something new and different to say for a few days before I reset him again. I suppose to be honest this is all my fault, he tooted the other day at the lunch table and I called him Mr Tootybottom. Oh well... off to find that reset button.
Read More......
The ringmaster got a new toy 2 days ago, and I just finally got around to taking pictures of it so that the whole world could see it. I am so excited and over joyed to introduce you all to the newest member of the circus... our new washer.
It is a sad day when a person gets kind of excited about an appliance, but really what else do I get that is mine all mine. NADA, ZIP, ZILCH. This is the one thing in my house that no one else will touch. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha.
Read More......
This week at school Freckles was the 'Top Banana". She got to have guests(#1 and I) come to school and have lunch with her today. While there I read a book to her Kindergarten class, she got to bring snack on Monday. She gets to be the line leader all week. She has pictures of herself as a baby and of her family on the "top banana" bulletin board. Also on the board are things about her, what she wants to be when she grows up (a mommy - I must have done something right ?!?), her favorite activity (baseball), her favorite color (pink), her favorite food (ice cream).
We had our picture taken in front of her bulletin board. Very exciting stuff for a 6 year old.
Read More......
Jane and Buzzy are helping #1 prepare dinner for the night and all I hear out of the kitchen from the living room is... FTR they are making stuffed shells.
"Why are we putting poison ivy in dinner??" from the ever wise mouth of Jane.
"We are using spinach, not poison ivy." #1 replies.
"Are you sure... leaves of 3 let it be dad."
"I am sure, we do not cook with poison ivy honey."
"well for the record... it looks like poison ivy and I am NOT eating. Even if it is spinach."
Ahhhh from the mouths of babes.
Read More......
You cannot even begin to understand how tired I am of this word.
Buzzy seriously runs through the house, and every third word out of his mouth...KA-CHOW! He is a quick little thing,and blurs by and at the top of his lungs, here it comes again... KA-CHOW. Playing with his matchbox cars... Yep one more time KA-CHOW. In the bathtub the other night... shows me his tushy (his words) and you guessed it... KA-CHOW. Thank you Lightning McQueen.
Read More......
Posts
